Whitney Smith

04:27 pm: build
so sean and i have been living together in grand rapids now for about a month things are good i got a job out here i like it so far the people are sweet too which is a huge plus. for some reason right now i am very frustrated i am not sure why or how it happened but i know that i am just not in a good mood i was gunna go home today because my family was up for the holiday but i stayed home because sean insisted on having people over... well now he is out golfing hes been gone for idk just about 7 hours or so and i am getting close to the point of ripping his head off haha story of my life im going to go out an enjoy the rest of my day off yay

02:06 pm: go hard
well i just got off work for about 5 minutes till i have to go to my other job i have been up since 4 and i am sooo ready for bed
i could kill my brother for giving me his shitty shifts
so i have moved since i last have written in here
its cool i live with a girl i work with keisha.. shes awesome we get along great and the house is like right on the water so thats a plus
i am so tired i have nothing else to write about or say really.. sean will be home tomorrow i believe :)

break it down and roll it up

07:13 pm: things that should be said
why is it that the people you want in your life the most fuck you over the most hurt you the most and make you hate them the most. i am so tired of being a doormat one minute and the world to you the next. you constantly fucking fail me you are wasting my life my time and my love. i have never felt so stupid and used in my entire life. i swear to god if i could just get off this subject for a minute for a second maybe my head would clear, maybe see things straight i have such a blockage from you and your bullshit all of it every little bit of it and i dont know how to get away from you or even if deep down inside i really want to. its true what they say you can never change people and you should never go into a relationship trying change that person. they may change for the better for a while but they will always go back to how shitty they were before. i have never put so much of my everything into this into anything. maybe if i put this mch energy and heart into going to school or something worth my time i would be somewhere and not bitching about it.i just want that feeling with someone else anyone else it is just so hard to come by and idk if im willing to let it go to find something that may be there or may not be. i guess everyone has their breaking point or whatever they call it and i have just had mine and i swear to you i coul break everything in my sight. one day you will understand why this was such a problem and why you were the one always fucking up.haha hehe ho

10:04 pm: light
ive gone hours without thinking of all of this.
and now here i am once again writing in this fucking thing
why is everything like cat and mouse
why cant you just want something, get it and that be that
no complications no hassle
i want to quit the fuck out of applebees and pronto
i met a nice guy today at wrk
thats a first.

07:53 pm: what to do, what to do
through out my very boring life i tend to have sparks of excitement
i might be moving out of this shit of a town and soon and fuck which is awesome i just need a new surrounding and new job and new start ive been here my whole life doin the same shit begin the same person dating the same guys and i feel like its time i am never going to know what i am capable of or what i can achieve in this town because there is nothing here for me and there probably never will be i applied to a modeling agency yesterday and they have been calling me non stop since.. this may be my shot my chance and it was given to me before but i wasnt ready and i was stupid but now i am going to make a serious effort to do something that i potentially might love or at least be good at, cause i am not book smart and i hate school and fuck if you are lucky enough to be a model then you might as well fucking do it because its not a lot of work.. at least i dont think so i could be wrong. i also might get a job in some mental hospital and that would be da bomb cause i would get paid good and i could talk to crazy people all day like myself at some moments haha if i let every shot at something good for me pass me by i may just run out of them so im thinkin fuck it i better get started and we will certainly see if it works out and even if it doesnt at least i tried right.

i need this to work

12:36 pm: i hate class
i hate class and boys and girls
and work
and just about everything
i cant wait to go on spring break and i cant wait to be done with school
its sucks
all of it


one day i will understand what im really supposed to be doing.

03:04 pm: signs
well things suck right now but i know they will get better i have faith in that
im doin ok in school
im a single lady now so boys holla haha jk im not lookin for a new boy for a long time probably cause im still in love with the old one
its just not the right time right now so either one day it will be or it wont be but either way i look forward to whats coming in my life.
and if you cant beat em join em

ahhhhhh i feel crazy sometimes

04:16 pm: fuck it
i am so tired of fucking everything.
work
class
people
stupid people
normal people
so this week so far
ive broken my glasses
lost my braclet sean got me
found out my tax return is sooooo fucked up
probably did horrible on my algebra test
i just need a break from my life for 5 minutes
im fucking stressed
i miss seeing my fucking boyfriend
we never get to see each other anymore.
god damn it im all over it
all of it

01:10 am: roll with it
well its been a while since ive written anything in here but i guess my life is the same as its been with work and boys or i guess i should say one boy and friends
things have a been rocky
then great then back to rocky... who knows
i start classes on monday.. yikes
i am aready a waiting when i will be finished with school
im sure it will fly by but as of right now its seems like its gunna be forever until i know where it is i really wanna be or what it is i really wanna do
but i guess with some people you just really never know where you wanna be or what you wanna do.
i have also never been so sure and unsure about the same thing before in my life.
i swear i wanna be done with this so often.. at least latley
and then something so small just makes me start thinking again.
and for the most part just makes me change my mind
its just so hard to keep up with something that doesn't keep up with you
but i guess life just works in strange ways
i hope i can be more sure about things very soon.









love will get you everytime.

09:44 pm: strange
so sean has been gone for almost a week its been real weird not being able to see him everyday
i miss him but this little break is gunna be good for us
sometimes its good to miss somebody
in order to understand where you stand with them
or to understand if you wanna sand with them at all
my birthday is on friday ill be 19
thanksgiving is coming up next week
and christmas will be following it soon
man the years just pass by real fast
who knows

10:20 pm: now and then
i was just looking over old pictures on photobucket
mostly of me and lynn just being pictures whores haha
good times
its so weird to think about how i was then and how i am now
actually its not that strange its just sometimes hard to accept.
i love the way things are going now
i have everything and everyone that i ever wanted in my life as far as right now in my life.
things are very up and down with me one day everythings great
then the next i wanna crash into a tree
now more than ever have i realized many things that are going to be very useful
its so different worrying about other people more than yourself i know it sounds selfish but really before you are involved with someone all you really have in the world is you maybe some friends but thats it.
its kinda like when your parents say god i cant wait till you have children of your own and you will understand
well i dont have children but i have that feeling, that constant feeling that something might be wrong or whatever it is
i honestly dont know how people do it
go through boyfriends and girlfriends like love doesn't matter
because in reality
its all you have in the end
when its all said and done
none of the bickering and fighting and breaking up and getting back together it is all just crap
we all live for that feeling in your stomach in your heart not the bad one but the one where you know its right and you know no matter what you need this person in your life
and you really dont wanna find out what its like to not love again.
or you fear its not gunna be the same or its not gunna be real
somedays i feel like i am full of great advise.
and then when its my turn to deal with the crap im blank.
or the advise i give out i would never wanna put myself through.
i believe in the statement that you really only have 1 true love in this world and maybe you only get one chance
you never know when your chance comes or when it is up but if mine hasn't happened yet then i am clueless and im not sure if i can do this all again.

i just blabbered in here for a while


dont ever settle for second best.
thats all i know.

05:45 pm: win or lose
everything is going to change very soon
whether i am ready for it or not i guess
i really dont think i will ever be totally ready for whats gunna happen
but its all for the good
i wish i could get another job that paid soooo much better
idk
fuck it all
life is all about making money and spending it on things you dont wanna pay for.
maybe we should all just become theives
who knows.


in your eyes id like to stay.

04:21 pm: got nutin
one of the hardest things ive learned in life is forcing yourself to not act on your emotions
most everyone feels like what the feel is what is right
but sometimes you just need to learn to shut your mouth and take
which is other very hard thing when you fel the need to always say something
i have learned and grew so much just in the realtionship i am currently having
i have never faught so much
but loved so much
and felt like i couldn't do without.
nothing else that mattered before really matters anymore
getting fucked up and what not is just nonsence
if you dont have someone to fill the emptiness in your life then you are empty
throughout your whole like people are always saying be independent
do things for yourself
whatever..... its just cause they either can't find someone to love them back how they wanted to be loved or they've lost what they had .
we all have our moments in life when we feel lonely
but sometimes you just have to take the blame and take it as it is.
love.
its all love.
and we all want it
we all can't live without it and
at our worst we curse it.

ive got it

01:56 am: i have finally figured out what is wrong with 95 percent of today society
selfishness
i am constantly complaining about what i don't have and i really need to think about what i do have
i have just come to the conclusion that i never know what to do
or really what im doing
there is a time and place for the actions that we take
learning that
is key
i love
therefor i need
not want
so other than that is all just whatever
i think i have more to say but i really probably dont so i will just head to bed this day was real good then real bad

11:19 am: was it all that easy
things have been kinda rough latley
today i have to go to the doctors kinda find out some important info
me and sean are on a softball team for the fall its gunna be fun
ive been pretty busy latley with work
sean is about to be going to school since he got the money im very happy for him this is gunna be real good
i cant wait to go back to school i feel lousy without it
i just have to figure out what it is that i should be going to school for.
oh isn't that always the question.

i am very stressed right now i just need to figure some shit out.

08:55 pm: no to your raging words
some days more than others you realize how alone you are in this large mess of a world.
we all have our own personal goals and what we want to do with the rest of our lives but for most people they just have some excuse to slow them down.
or to keep them from ever getting what they want and deserve.
ive picked up and begun my life so many different times i dont know where to start anymore.
i dont think there is a greater feeling in this world than falling in love
being in love
expressing your love for someone else
but sometimes love can block you and keep you from focusing on anything.
but myabe life is only meant for one of the two
money or love.
maybe thats why people always ask what youd marry for love or money?
i think i might understand why you cant have both now.
money can be so blinding though make you think that you got it all and you really dont.
which brings me to my conclusion of this crap
love always wins
always choose love and you cant lose.

07:39 pm: mindset
take things personal
and it really doesn't get you that far
for some reason i do that far to much.
and it always just gets me feeling low.
who knows half the time it could just be a personal blow but i guess if its not super obvious then who knows.
writing is all i know how to do when im stressed or mad or anything really
i dont know what i am going to do with the rest of my life.
but who does.
i always wonder how good im doing
in everything
or if im just kidding myself
and i should be going in another direction
i believe i am a very lazy person
not in every way but right now i could potentially be starting my career and im doing nothing about it
but i feel like if it is supposed to happen it just will or something will kick me in the ass to do something to make it happen
idk
maybe i'll never be satisfied
i think ill just go with the flow i seem to be real good at that.
i have a runny nose and its august
if it should happen everything will fall into place
and sometimes when its not right everything will scatter.

01:32 am: trend setter
for once in my life i think things are going pretty good
i dont have a million things to worry about and its pretty laid back right now
i just went to go see that movie step brother it really wasn't as good as i thought it was gunna be.. very funny parts but it got old fast
now that new batman movie was awesome i really liked and so did sean
i dont know if i mentioned that i have a tattoo on my neck now
its a crown and its cute
i was asked to be apart of the modeling agency and im gunna do it
hell why not.
i have to call the the fuckin lady back its been like 2 weeks and shes probably pissed but whatever
i dont have much to say tonight so im goin to bed.

01:51 pm: the b oss
i think ive figured it all out.
here i am.

09:14 pm: this is serious
so i quit the golf club i dont remember if i had said that before
but im done
i just work at applecrap now
and hardly ever which is kinda sweet
i spend all my time with the love of my life.
im hardly ever home
me and sean just went to two weddings and i just had my open house
my life is a lil bit busy but its slowing down a bit now
i want to get outa this town
this state but i just dont know what will be best for me in the long run
idk we'll see when the time arrives.


im hot right now

i can't be stopped right now.